Pharmacists Exposed – They Do Nothing

Police in Keflex Oregon have arrested nine people at the “Oregon University of Pharmacology”. It was finally discovered that in fact pharmacists really do "nothing" other than aggravate people. Confiscated was the document below, showing their secret university curriculum, which leads to a bachelor’s degree in pharmacology.

Pharmacological Studies – Curriculum yielding Bachelor’s degree - Course Listing:

PH-101-AB KEEPING THE NOISE LEVEL DOWN:
This course will teach you (the pharmacist) how to keep noise levels down to that government required “min noise level” in your pharmacy. Topics include how to use that awful smelling scent with which you spray your pharmacy, as well as whisper techniques. “Shhh….quiet….it’s a pharmacy” will also be explored.


PH-201-BB HOW TO KEEP PEOPLE WAITING
This course is the study of using a complicated two counter system. One over there, where you ‘check-in’ and another one over there where you get your medication. It also will teach ‘shuffle’ techniques to make it look like you’re busy actually ‘making’ the drugs.

PH-301-AA THE VIEW FROM UP THERE
As we all know, pharmacists are better than everyone else, and so must be put up on a pedestal – literally. This course teaches students how to get up onto the stage where your pharmacy is set. It also teaches about neck-pain, and how to deal with customers who experience it as they are trying to look up over the counter to speak with you. Students will learn to deal with altitude change, and air thinning as they climb up onto that 3 foot platform that every pharmacy seems to be on.


PH-401-AB USING HIGH-TECH DEVICES
This course deals with the utmost sophisticated high tech device known to mankind – the pill counter. This device will let you spill in hundreds of pills into a bowl, and through complex calculations it will actually calculate how many pills are in the bowl.


PH-401-BB GATHERING INFORMATION
This course will teach the student to gather information, and probe for further details. It teaches asking nosey questions, and ensuring all personal information is clearly spoken so that all bystanders can hear. It teaches listening to customers’ personal concerns such as “Can Tylenol cause anal warts?”, and teaches how to respond – “Oh, I’m only a student, you’ll have to ask the pharmacist, or perhaps one of these other customers may know the answer”. It also teaches students how to project their voices so that EVERYONE in the pharmacy can hear about your hemorrhoids.


PH-501-CC COMPETING WITH THE DOLLAR STORES
This course teaches how to display all your glasses the right way, and how to price glasses at $18.99 and above to make people think they’re getting better quality than at the dollar stores. Students will also learn how to 'price' Hanna Montana materials.


PH-502-DD PUTTING THE RIGHT LABELS ON THE RIGHT MEDICATIONS
This course teaches you how to take medication that is over the counter and is mass produced –eg. Aspirin and re-bottle it, re-label it, and make it look like you’re actually doing something. This course is arguably the most important one in our curriculum, as it 'defines' what a pharmacist really does.

PH-301-AA SELLING LOTTERY TICKETS
The newest (and most lucrative) part of pharmacy. As things get more hi-tech, pharmacists will have to adapt their ‘skills’ to newer venues. Bottle deposit-refunds will also be discussed.

PH-404-RR DUSTING RUBBERS FROM 1972
This course teaches you how to take those old Ramses and dust them off without causing sneezing. Dusting off of maraschino cherries and Black Magic will also be covered.

PH-501-PP PARAMETTES EPSOM SALTS AND MECUROCHROME
This course teaches you how to show your grandparents where the Paramettes are, and how to make it look like these things actually do anything.