Chemistry People - Always trouble.....

People employed in the chemical industry are always looking for new solutions.  Periodically, these people reach their titration points.  According to sources, we should all keep an ion them....

New Medical Terms

Obama's Health Care Reform bill has recently published this new list of medical terms.

New Marketing Idea for Cough Medication

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have considered issuing certificates to patients who have respiratory infections.  These patients can use them to buy drugs at a discounted rate. Doctors will be calling it the Croupon.  

Ten Month Wait ....Appointment With Neurologist

Waiting times for medical services are terrible. In Chicago, the waiting time to see a specialist like a neurologist can exceed nine months.  Most professionals in the medical community agree that you have to have your head examined to wait that long.  Rheumatologists are completely disjointed about the issue. Doctor Phil N. Goode, director of Chicago General was found atop a mountain vacationing.  He was quoted as saying: "I came to this mountain to get away from my troubles so I climbed to the top. It all went downhill from there...."

Greek Doctor Cures Disease

A doctor in Greece has found a cure for a debilitating rheumatologic disease. “We’ve been working around the clock in this joint” said one nurse. “Finally people will feel better” said Greek Chief Surgeon R. Thritis.

Erection Problems? – Simple: Log Onto Twitter

Wanna know about any Dick Clark sightings? Need credit? Looking for Boxing Day deals? Cure Fibromyalgia? The answer is simple, log onto Twitter. Yes, nowadays Twitter will answer anything and everything. Car companies, lawyers, and politicians are now doing all their business through Twitter. Yoga Guru and masturbatory sex therapist Gurunand Usemyhand explained that Twitter has now launched many variations of its site:

• For people who cough up phlegm: log onto Spitter
• For people with anger issues: log onto Bitter
• Those with digestive problems: log onto (you know this one.....)

Warning: may contain nuts, a simple blood test can determine if you are an American lawyer, and if you’ve committed suicide three years ago. Stop using Twitter if you have vertigo or delusions of becoming a lawyer or if in any way you have a desire to write drug disclaimers. Call your doctor immediately, just in case, because you may sue us. These disclaimers are what Obama calls ‘health care reform’

Pharmacists Exposed – They Do Nothing

Police in Keflex Oregon have arrested nine people at the “Oregon University of Pharmacology”. It was finally discovered that in fact pharmacists really do "nothing" other than aggravate people. Confiscated was the document below, showing their secret university curriculum, which leads to a bachelor’s degree in pharmacology.

Pharmacological Studies – Curriculum yielding Bachelor’s degree - Course Listing:

PH-101-AB KEEPING THE NOISE LEVEL DOWN:
This course will teach you (the pharmacist) how to keep noise levels down to that government required “min noise level” in your pharmacy. Topics include how to use that awful smelling scent with which you spray your pharmacy, as well as whisper techniques. “Shhh….quiet….it’s a pharmacy” will also be explored.


PH-201-BB HOW TO KEEP PEOPLE WAITING
This course is the study of using a complicated two counter system. One over there, where you ‘check-in’ and another one over there where you get your medication. It also will teach ‘shuffle’ techniques to make it look like you’re busy actually ‘making’ the drugs.

PH-301-AA THE VIEW FROM UP THERE
As we all know, pharmacists are better than everyone else, and so must be put up on a pedestal – literally. This course teaches students how to get up onto the stage where your pharmacy is set. It also teaches about neck-pain, and how to deal with customers who experience it as they are trying to look up over the counter to speak with you. Students will learn to deal with altitude change, and air thinning as they climb up onto that 3 foot platform that every pharmacy seems to be on.


PH-401-AB USING HIGH-TECH DEVICES
This course deals with the utmost sophisticated high tech device known to mankind – the pill counter. This device will let you spill in hundreds of pills into a bowl, and through complex calculations it will actually calculate how many pills are in the bowl.


PH-401-BB GATHERING INFORMATION
This course will teach the student to gather information, and probe for further details. It teaches asking nosey questions, and ensuring all personal information is clearly spoken so that all bystanders can hear. It teaches listening to customers’ personal concerns such as “Can Tylenol cause anal warts?”, and teaches how to respond – “Oh, I’m only a student, you’ll have to ask the pharmacist, or perhaps one of these other customers may know the answer”. It also teaches students how to project their voices so that EVERYONE in the pharmacy can hear about your hemorrhoids.


PH-501-CC COMPETING WITH THE DOLLAR STORES
This course teaches how to display all your glasses the right way, and how to price glasses at $18.99 and above to make people think they’re getting better quality than at the dollar stores. Students will also learn how to 'price' Hanna Montana materials.


PH-502-DD PUTTING THE RIGHT LABELS ON THE RIGHT MEDICATIONS
This course teaches you how to take medication that is over the counter and is mass produced –eg. Aspirin and re-bottle it, re-label it, and make it look like you’re actually doing something. This course is arguably the most important one in our curriculum, as it 'defines' what a pharmacist really does.

PH-301-AA SELLING LOTTERY TICKETS
The newest (and most lucrative) part of pharmacy. As things get more hi-tech, pharmacists will have to adapt their ‘skills’ to newer venues. Bottle deposit-refunds will also be discussed.

PH-404-RR DUSTING RUBBERS FROM 1972
This course teaches you how to take those old Ramses and dust them off without causing sneezing. Dusting off of maraschino cherries and Black Magic will also be covered.

PH-501-PP PARAMETTES EPSOM SALTS AND MECUROCHROME
This course teaches you how to show your grandparents where the Paramettes are, and how to make it look like these things actually do anything.

Lose Weight – The Kentucky Fried Chicken Diet

Fatties of the world unite! Yes, you can actually lose weight by eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Anne Rexick, internationally renowned nutritional expert explains: “As long as it’s all in moderation”. This new diet is foreseen to replace the “Twinkies and Old Milwaukee Diet”, as well as the “Lays and Coke Power Snack”. The ratio is simple: one piece of KFC, to 37 servings of broccoli, carrots, and other vegetables.


Dr. O. Rio on the other hand totally disagrees with Rexick. He explains to lose weight you simply have to buy his book titled “Stop the Damn Eating”. Rio is also known for other bestselling titles:

• “Stop the Damn Spending” – a book that teaches Americans the complex concept of not spending money you don’t have.
• “Smoking is Good for Your Health” – a book that explains that teenagers are better off smoking tobacco than ‘them there crack cocaine’
• “If I’m Getting a Heart Attack I’m Going to Earn It” – a book that explains the joys of tavern foods.

Medical Study at Mayo Clinic Determines Too Much George Michael Music Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

According to Dr. Phil N. Goode of the Mayo clinic, listening to too much George Michael music can be hazardous to your health. In specific, studies were done on the song “Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart”. Researchers have followed over 250 teen aged American mall employees over a four year period. They have determined that repeatedly listening to the song played over the mall’s P.A. system can cause the following:

• Apathy
• Dependence on a cell phone
• Addiction to Rock Band
• Obsession with Facebook
• Poor performance in School

When authorities tried to contact Michael, he was nowhere to be found. All they encountered was Paula Abdul going ballistic with a shovel yelling “go away, he’s not here”.

 In a tribute to this sad situation, mega-star “Juice Newton” has re-written the song. The chorus of her version is listed below. To get the full effect, you must ‘sing’ it in your head as you read it:

Last Christmas by Juice Newton

Last Christmas, I tried on your shorts, 

But the very next day, I got anal warts.
This year, to save me from fear

I’ll insert a long pickle spear.

Last Christmas, I dated a tart 

The very next day, I could not fart. 

This year to keep up the cheer,

I’ll do it in your ear….

 Ringtone available soon....

Gastroenterologists at the Mayo Clinic have also found that the video below can cause digestive problems as you will probably upchuck your food from lunch. Watch at your own risk

The Mayo clinic, it’s not just a hospital for condiments….