English Class Can't Follow Cirque Du Soleil

A college level English class from Harvard was not able to follow a simple story line.  Thirty three students from the college were taken to see a Cirque du Soleil performance - and none of them understood it!  "There was simply too much jumping around for us to follow it" explained one student.

Lionel Richie Launches Chain of Tea Houses

Lionel Richie, key member of the Commodores and father to Nicole Richie, has launched a new chain of Tea Houses across the country.  Fans of his are currently "dancing on the ceiling" as everyone seems to be drinking his tea.

New Fragrance from FCUK

World renowned FCUK - French Connection United Kingdom fashion is set to expand their horizons.  They're branching out into the fragrance market.  "Our goal is to sell fragrances along with stylish fashion" said CEO Bob Rownnose.  Their flagship perfume will be called SHTI.

Trouble on America's Got Talent

AGT judges Piers Morgan and Howie Mandel came to blows yesterday over an unspecified incident in their dressing rooms.  According to witnesses, it had something to do with Howie’s constant wisecracking about Piers’ Organ.  Sharon was distraught over the incident and was seen in the parking lot walking in circles holding a shovel and repeating the phrases “Take it to a new level”, “Bring out your A-Game”,  and “Raise the Bar”.  Hasselhoff was unable to be reached for comment as the incident occurred during happy hour.

Americans Elect Noise as President

The Americans have done it yet again - they've elected "Barak Obama" as president.  Rumor has it that he's the second cousin of O-'Henry.   Oh Bama!...... Oh Bama!!!.... Where else but the U.S. would they elect a noise as their president?

Vince Offer - Regrouping His Life

Yes we already know, it’s ancient history - Vince Offer was arrested in March of last year. The world makes such a big deal about a little hooker smack-down incident. At any rate, our beloved Shamwow guy is re-grouping his life. He has now started a new line of meat products called “HamWow!”. Vince is reported to be changing his name to Vince Hogger, and he’s to also introduce another new product called the “Pork Chop” which grates meats. “Your life shouldn’t be BOAR-ing” said Offer. “I ham what I ham” was his closing statement. Reporters claim the situation will cure itself.

John Travolta Makes Hellenic Movie and Gets Hurt

John Travolta has once again teamed up with Olivia Newton John to make a new movie. The movie, titled “Greece” is about a group of delinquents from Park Extension who go around hitting people behind the head. Travolta has suffered multiple neck injuries as a result of being repeatedly slapped behind the head, in what the Greeks call “Zvergos”. Some Greeks claim that Travolta is a true Yiro.

Henry Winkler – Fraudulent Con Artist

Former Happy Days star Henry Winkler has become a financial advisor, and bilked his clients out of millions of dollars. “He used one client’s assets to secure loans for clients”, said deferred sales commission monkey, and former Encyclopedia Britannica salesman Chuckie Schwab. Winkler, in the financial world went under the name Arthur Ponzirelli.

Taylor Swift’s Straight Hair – Love it, Hate It, Or Don’t Care?

You’ve got to forgive me, but what part of my sarcasm do they not understand? I mean do they actually believe I give a damn? The media is bent on Taylor Swift’s new hairstyle. Here we have a chick that sings a few country songs and thinks she controls the world. Known for her bestselling album “Teardrops on My Guitar” Swift has made it big in the music business. Now Taylor straightens her hair, and every teen across the country aborts their half-done tattoo, and runs out to buy hair-strengtheners so damn hot you could cook a grilled cheese on them. Why are these kids so obsessed? I have no clue. I mean are they going to stop doing smack, bang, pop, ice, boom, meth, kapow, javascript, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and weed because of this?

Trying to roll a dollar off this new ‘do’, marketers across the United States have been working overtime. Executives have stopped taking 3 hour lap-dance lunches, and have begun their largest pre-Christmas marketing campaign in history. New items set to hit store shelves soon are:

• The Tailor-Swift – a do it yourself sewing machine -in no time, you can sew old clothes professionally and quickly! 
• Taylor Swift Dental Floss – sometimes it comes out straight, sometimes curly. 
• Taylor Swift Doll – Wind it up and it smells
• Taylor Swift Blow Up Doll – Touch it and a band of redneck hicks show up at your door, and play Zydeco music on a washboard till all hours of the night.

What do you think of her new look?

Meredith Baxter - Top MILF is Gay???

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Oprah Asks Tiger For a Sit-Down...

You just can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp, now can you? Here's a "winning" interview if ever I saw one:  Oprah interviewing Tiger. Geez, I could just picture you - all of a sudden you stop watching American Idol repeats, put down your beer (pull up your pants), pick up the remote and click onto the interview.  I'm not sure what'll be more exciting, seeing Tiger going "uhmmm ...mmm...good question" or watching the endless stream of Toyota commercials.

First question Oprah will ask:
"Tiger, what happened, why did you do it?"

First question you wished she'd ask:
"So did you do anything kinky? Any edgeplay?  Was there any spanking involved?"

After (or perhaps during) the interview,  do you think Tiger will make a play for her? Would you?  I'm being serious...'cmon now if no one knew or found out wouldn't you?  

At any rate Oprah wants to interview Tiger sometime in the near future, and Tiger's looking to add to his scorecard. Wait, let me guess: Barbara Walters step in and supply the Vaseline, and Harvey Levin from TMZ will be watching from the side sipping that stupid soft drink through a straw..

It is reported that the two have plans go out afterwards and see the play "Phantom of the Oprah".  After the play, I bet Tiger will "drive her home".

Burnt Out Bi-Polar Star Looking to Make a ComeBack

Little beknown to most people, Armenian all-star Krikor Ohanian suffered from mental illness during the height of his career in the seventies.  Running low on cash, he's decided to make a new series about a bi-polar detective who can't even get a job doing shamwow commercials. He's going to call it "Manics".

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