Passports & Nexus Cards - No Longer Accepted

United States border authorities will no longer accept passports or Nexus cards as valid identification in order to enter the country.  According to new U.S. policy, valid forms of I.D. can be any (or all of the following)

• gun permit
• parole documents
• illegal immigration papers
• restraining orders
• I.O.U.s for drug money (signed with blood)
• contribution slips to a "U.S. political party"

This policy is the toughest new legislation, and will be followed.

New Educational Reforms Across the United States

President Barack Obama has introduced the toughest new educational reforms in U.S. history.  Starting January 1, 2011 American schoolchildren will no longer be allowed to take recess breaks. "We want to prevent the children from reloading" said Obama.  As well, school cafeterias across the country will put a sales limit of six bullets per day per student. "No longer will students be able to go to the caf, buy 100 rounds and set them off in the schoolyard" said Obama.  In addition to all these measures, the president also has promised to upgrade metal detectors in high schools to state of the art technology.