Samsonite Firing Top Executives

Based in Carillon Texas, Samsonite Inc fired its top executives. “We didn’t need all that baggage” explained an employee who wished to remain anonymous. According to sources, the company was being managed in a carousel fashion. Items were constantly getting lost, and employees became more and more frustrated. Departments are becoming more compartmentalized, and for now, people are keeping their mouths zipped.

The Return of Terror Politics

Last week's terrorism scare in Detroit did not seem to shake President Obama. "From now on we're going to implement the toughest security standards the world has ever seen", said the President.  According to 'politician' Ron Kennedy (illegitimate son of Ted Kennedy, who sits on the board of directors of several tobacco companies, pharmaceutical companies, and oversees the Democratic slush fund) some of these measures will include:

• Travelers entering the US will now be required to arrive at airports 4 hours before their flight
• Once someone has passed security, he will now have to visit an airport steakhouse restaurant where he can choose all types of 10" steak knives to bring on board
• Lighters, fluids, firearms and ammunition can only be purchased once someone has passed security and is awaiting a flight

Donald Rumsfeld, an 'honest man', who has sold his shares of the H1N1 vaccine manufacturing plant, was quoted as saying:

 "I've had enough with the H1N1, now it's time for me to ensure public safety and I will personally oversee that all commercial establishments beyond security checkpoints are 'authorized' and members of the 'Donald Rumsfeld Group' "

Erection Problems? – Simple: Log Onto Twitter

Wanna know about any Dick Clark sightings? Need credit? Looking for Boxing Day deals? Cure Fibromyalgia? The answer is simple, log onto Twitter. Yes, nowadays Twitter will answer anything and everything. Car companies, lawyers, and politicians are now doing all their business through Twitter. Yoga Guru and masturbatory sex therapist Gurunand Usemyhand explained that Twitter has now launched many variations of its site:

• For people who cough up phlegm: log onto Spitter
• For people with anger issues: log onto Bitter
• Those with digestive problems: log onto (you know this one.....)

Warning: may contain nuts, a simple blood test can determine if you are an American lawyer, and if you’ve committed suicide three years ago. Stop using Twitter if you have vertigo or delusions of becoming a lawyer or if in any way you have a desire to write drug disclaimers. Call your doctor immediately, just in case, because you may sue us. These disclaimers are what Obama calls ‘health care reform’

Tips To Avoid Holiday Stress

1. Avoid Family – at all cost. If this means not answering your phone and/or emails, so be it. Family will cause undue stress no matter what. Your best bet might even be faking the swine flu.

2. Shop at the Pharmacy on Christmas Day! After all, there is really nothing to do on the 25th, so why not stock up on Clorets?

3. Play ”Double Jeopardy” with invitations – This means waiting to the last possible minute for others to invite you over to their place for free booze rather than you having to host them.

4. Pawn off your kids! It’s sleepover time, at someone else’s house. That’ll keep grandma busy, since you ain’t gonna see her (see suggestion 1 above). As well, this formally counts towards your yearly quota to visit mom.

5. Pull the “your gift hasn’t arrived yet” routine. Wait to receive those Costco food baskets containing exotic teas and then re-gift the crap to others. Warning – be careful about nametags that may’ve fallen into the green fluff that makes the basket look fuller than it really is.

Goodyear is having a BLOWOUT Sale

Tire manufacturer GoodYear is having a ‘blowout’ sale on tires. “Prices were too inflated” said Eddy Horowitz, regional sales director. “We are under pressure to increase sales” explained Horowitz. Company employees in the plant were quite tired, but decided to keep working overtime. Susan Finelick, an employee said “We work all day with different rubbers making tires, and never get enough. We all like rubbers, we feel safe”. Tire balancer Axel Rollover said “The company is hoping to get a grip and wheel do it soon!”.

Pharmacists Exposed – They Do Nothing

Police in Keflex Oregon have arrested nine people at the “Oregon University of Pharmacology”. It was finally discovered that in fact pharmacists really do "nothing" other than aggravate people. Confiscated was the document below, showing their secret university curriculum, which leads to a bachelor’s degree in pharmacology.

Pharmacological Studies – Curriculum yielding Bachelor’s degree - Course Listing:

PH-101-AB KEEPING THE NOISE LEVEL DOWN:
This course will teach you (the pharmacist) how to keep noise levels down to that government required “min noise level” in your pharmacy. Topics include how to use that awful smelling scent with which you spray your pharmacy, as well as whisper techniques. “Shhh….quiet….it’s a pharmacy” will also be explored.


PH-201-BB HOW TO KEEP PEOPLE WAITING
This course is the study of using a complicated two counter system. One over there, where you ‘check-in’ and another one over there where you get your medication. It also will teach ‘shuffle’ techniques to make it look like you’re busy actually ‘making’ the drugs.

PH-301-AA THE VIEW FROM UP THERE
As we all know, pharmacists are better than everyone else, and so must be put up on a pedestal – literally. This course teaches students how to get up onto the stage where your pharmacy is set. It also teaches about neck-pain, and how to deal with customers who experience it as they are trying to look up over the counter to speak with you. Students will learn to deal with altitude change, and air thinning as they climb up onto that 3 foot platform that every pharmacy seems to be on.


PH-401-AB USING HIGH-TECH DEVICES
This course deals with the utmost sophisticated high tech device known to mankind – the pill counter. This device will let you spill in hundreds of pills into a bowl, and through complex calculations it will actually calculate how many pills are in the bowl.


PH-401-BB GATHERING INFORMATION
This course will teach the student to gather information, and probe for further details. It teaches asking nosey questions, and ensuring all personal information is clearly spoken so that all bystanders can hear. It teaches listening to customers’ personal concerns such as “Can Tylenol cause anal warts?”, and teaches how to respond – “Oh, I’m only a student, you’ll have to ask the pharmacist, or perhaps one of these other customers may know the answer”. It also teaches students how to project their voices so that EVERYONE in the pharmacy can hear about your hemorrhoids.


PH-501-CC COMPETING WITH THE DOLLAR STORES
This course teaches how to display all your glasses the right way, and how to price glasses at $18.99 and above to make people think they’re getting better quality than at the dollar stores. Students will also learn how to 'price' Hanna Montana materials.


PH-502-DD PUTTING THE RIGHT LABELS ON THE RIGHT MEDICATIONS
This course teaches you how to take medication that is over the counter and is mass produced –eg. Aspirin and re-bottle it, re-label it, and make it look like you’re actually doing something. This course is arguably the most important one in our curriculum, as it 'defines' what a pharmacist really does.

PH-301-AA SELLING LOTTERY TICKETS
The newest (and most lucrative) part of pharmacy. As things get more hi-tech, pharmacists will have to adapt their ‘skills’ to newer venues. Bottle deposit-refunds will also be discussed.

PH-404-RR DUSTING RUBBERS FROM 1972
This course teaches you how to take those old Ramses and dust them off without causing sneezing. Dusting off of maraschino cherries and Black Magic will also be covered.

PH-501-PP PARAMETTES EPSOM SALTS AND MECUROCHROME
This course teaches you how to show your grandparents where the Paramettes are, and how to make it look like these things actually do anything.

The Cube – Hot Damn That’s One Fine Car!

Isn’t it BEAUTIFUL? The Nissan Cube – the ‘prettiest’ car to hit the roads since the AMC Pacer.

Drive it around! Here’s what you can do with your new car:

• Impress your friends! They’ll think you jacked it from the Red Bull guys.
• Pull up beside, and laugh at Smart Cars!
• Rent it out to novelty products, carnivals, and radio stations!
• Use it for WWII Scenes that drive German generals around 

Insurance on this car is extremely low. Rumour has it that thieves burst out laughing as they try to steal it, so there haven’t been many thefts.

The Cube – the car that’s as popular as the Pet Rock

Virus Attacks Vegas Show

Performers in the world Famous Vegas show “Blue Man Group” have been hit hard by a respiratory virus. Many members seem to have Blue Man Croup. This respiratory infection causes the patient to cough up blue sputum and watch bizarre television shows on German punk rock Television.


In related news, Cirque Du Soleil performers will be performing twice tonight at the Mirage in Las Vegas. Their famed show “Kà” will be shown twice consecutively in what is to be known as “KàKà”. From a defecation perspective this looks like it will be smash hit, and possibly cause spin off performances such as “Brown Man Group”.

Anal Problems?

Anal problems - they’re not uncommon. Many people suffer from them, including chess legend Bobby Fischer.  Bobby would sit for hours at a game and develop hemorrhoids and anal fissures.

We all remember the classic conversation between Spassky and Fissure in 1972:

Fissure: “Hello Boris how are you?”

Spassky: “Fine. How are your anal fissures, Fischer?”

Fissure: “Screw you Boris, Nxc3!”

Spassky: “Oh yea? Well your mother did this : Bb4? And I replied Kxc7!” I rooked her!

Fissure: "So did I!"

There is a new product out there to alleviate the pain of anal problems: “Preparation Hxc4”, specifically designed for the chess enthusiast.

Chess – it keeps the retards off our streets.

Lose Weight – The Kentucky Fried Chicken Diet

Fatties of the world unite! Yes, you can actually lose weight by eating Kentucky Fried Chicken. Anne Rexick, internationally renowned nutritional expert explains: “As long as it’s all in moderation”. This new diet is foreseen to replace the “Twinkies and Old Milwaukee Diet”, as well as the “Lays and Coke Power Snack”. The ratio is simple: one piece of KFC, to 37 servings of broccoli, carrots, and other vegetables.


Dr. O. Rio on the other hand totally disagrees with Rexick. He explains to lose weight you simply have to buy his book titled “Stop the Damn Eating”. Rio is also known for other bestselling titles:

• “Stop the Damn Spending” – a book that teaches Americans the complex concept of not spending money you don’t have.
• “Smoking is Good for Your Health” – a book that explains that teenagers are better off smoking tobacco than ‘them there crack cocaine’
• “If I’m Getting a Heart Attack I’m Going to Earn It” – a book that explains the joys of tavern foods.

Internet Fraud on the Rise – Particularly in Egypt

Internet fraud is on the rise around the world. Problems exist in the Middle East, and in particular in Egypt. Many Americans who have electronically purchased items online from Cairo retailers found themselves E-Jipped. When they tried to get refunds, they were told to “Chad Up!”. All of a Sudan, these people found themselves out of money. Kenya believe this? The situation became so hot, it could Syria.


Many people these days are flocking to Houston because the state and federal Texas are lower. They’re also much closer in proximity to the African representative the “Grand Kenyan”. The Caribbean is also another hot spot. Businessmen invest millions there. Mr. Laundercash, a businessman from Ocho Rios was approached by authorities and asked “Jamaica lot of money?"

How To Really Earn Money – Lots Of It!

It’s simple. As Mister T would say “Stay in School”. That’s right, stay in school. Let’s have a closer look shall we?

Step 1: Move away from home and go to an out of state college. Okay, so you leave your family trailer, get $100,000 in loans, and go to a “college” to study medicine. You end up binge drinking, catching herpes, and some of your friends even end up on Dateline NBC.

Step 2: Get a job - a real job, paying fifty cents an hour more than your Burger King gig. You can show that first paycheck to Mom (matter of fact you might as well give it to her… the paycheck that is). That’s right, you’ve raked in a whopping $526.46 a week! After paying uncle Sam, that’s all you’re left with.

Step 3: Buy That Mansion – You’ve done medical school! You’re a doctor! Great! So let’s go out there and buy that mansion and Ferrari. Problems? Well, you could get a loan, if you live to the age of 7,429 years. Don’t worry, you can afford all these things. You’ve stayed in school... your Mom said so.

So what’s the ultimate way to become rich? Simple. Work Overtime.

I guess you just didn’t work hard enough.

Taylor Swift’s Straight Hair – Love it, Hate It, Or Don’t Care?

You’ve got to forgive me, but what part of my sarcasm do they not understand? I mean do they actually believe I give a damn? The media is bent on Taylor Swift’s new hairstyle. Here we have a chick that sings a few country songs and thinks she controls the world. Known for her bestselling album “Teardrops on My Guitar” Swift has made it big in the music business. Now Taylor straightens her hair, and every teen across the country aborts their half-done tattoo, and runs out to buy hair-strengtheners so damn hot you could cook a grilled cheese on them. Why are these kids so obsessed? I have no clue. I mean are they going to stop doing smack, bang, pop, ice, boom, meth, kapow, javascript, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and weed because of this?

Trying to roll a dollar off this new ‘do’, marketers across the United States have been working overtime. Executives have stopped taking 3 hour lap-dance lunches, and have begun their largest pre-Christmas marketing campaign in history. New items set to hit store shelves soon are:

• The Tailor-Swift – a do it yourself sewing machine -in no time, you can sew old clothes professionally and quickly! 
• Taylor Swift Dental Floss – sometimes it comes out straight, sometimes curly. 
• Taylor Swift Doll – Wind it up and it smells
• Taylor Swift Blow Up Doll – Touch it and a band of redneck hicks show up at your door, and play Zydeco music on a washboard till all hours of the night.

What do you think of her new look?

Storm Approaches – Orthodontists Warn You Should Brace Yourself

20 – 30 Centimetres of the white stuff are expected to fall upon us tomorrow. That’s over six inches of snow (a real six inches not ‘your version’ of what six inches is). School closures and traffic havoc are inevitable. According to Springdale Elementary physical Education director Jim Nasium, the students will probably be asked to remain at home. The director of the Math Department, Matt Matticks explained “Students should stay home, and the remainder will carry over into the gym - we want to make sure they have axis to services”, statistically speaking of course. “It’s the principal of the situation“ said the...you know who said that... The geography teachers also want to forewarn students and parents not to lose their bearings, and state that it’s simply a matter of degree.


“We must get ready for a blizzard of events, and brace ourselves” said orthodontic spokesman Dr. I. Braceyou. Braceyou is arguably one of the most hated people in our community. His warped perception of the term ‘just a little while’ usually turns out to be about 6 years. Just ask any teen-ager who has had braces. As well, Braceyou’s definition of the sentence “try to reduce costs by putting them on early” has been translated to “let me put on just a few brace$ to see what happen$$”

New Chemical Draws Media Attention

A new sealant product hit the market this week, called Alex's Painter's Acrylic Latex Caulk.  Spokesperson for the company, Ron Jeremy was quoted as saying "I know good caulk when I see some".  He went further to explain "It feels like caulk and it even smells like caulk".  Jeremy, considered to be an expert in this domain has been around caulk most of his life.  

Phil Hardon, company chemist, explained that at first the compound comes out of the tube white and slimy, and then hardens to a rubbery texture.  "If it's not kept moist, it may crack after a few years" said Hardon.

Religious pundits are not in agreement as to how to properly open and use the product.  The Jews agree that a small amount should be cut off the tip to allow the caulk to be exposed.  Catholics on the other hand disagree claiming this mutilates the container.

The product is sold individually in a 12 inch tube with a lot of girth, or in a 12 pack know as "Case-'o-Caulk"

Carmaker Honda Motor Corporation Has Serious Problems

Bloomington Indiana mayor Ian Scammie explained that the Honda Motor Corporation is having Civic problems with his township. “This is a Prelude to further aggravation, unless an Accord is reached” said the mayor. Honda refused comment, and for reasons not known to mankind, a 15 year old rusted Honda still sells for about $17000 USD on the used car market.


Similarly, in Marblehead Massachusetts, Volkswagen launched its largest ever end-of-lease campaign. In collaboration with Star Wars, Volkswagen unveiled its “Return of the Jetta” promotion. Apparently when you return your car and re-lease the $35,000 vehicle (for only $199 a month*!), you get one of two things free

• a Lens Crafters Coupon which entitles you to $25 off any pair of glasses over $950 (before taxes)
                     OR
• a ‘free’ analysis of your portfolio by Charles Schwab Investment Services.

People are going wild about this promotion, and lining up for hours. "It's a bit like going to a Bar-Mitvah at a yacht club, except it's not a Bar-Mitvah, and we're not at a yacht club" said Eddie Horowitz, resident of Marblehead.

*Note: $199 month lease fee does not include transport, taxes, surcharges, insurance, donations to political parties, administration charges, and ‘charges of the week’. Network fee is not included in this monthly payment. Warning, may contain nuts. A simple blood test can determine if your liver can sue your own lawyer. Not valid in Alaska and Hawaii (we hate those states anyways).

Isn't it a BEAUTIFUL CAR? Don't you WANT ONE?

It's enough to shake the Fuego outta you. Yugo out and buy one today! Lada dee de da...

Medical Study at Mayo Clinic Determines Too Much George Michael Music Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

According to Dr. Phil N. Goode of the Mayo clinic, listening to too much George Michael music can be hazardous to your health. In specific, studies were done on the song “Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart”. Researchers have followed over 250 teen aged American mall employees over a four year period. They have determined that repeatedly listening to the song played over the mall’s P.A. system can cause the following:

• Apathy
• Dependence on a cell phone
• Addiction to Rock Band
• Obsession with Facebook
• Poor performance in School

When authorities tried to contact Michael, he was nowhere to be found. All they encountered was Paula Abdul going ballistic with a shovel yelling “go away, he’s not here”.

 In a tribute to this sad situation, mega-star “Juice Newton” has re-written the song. The chorus of her version is listed below. To get the full effect, you must ‘sing’ it in your head as you read it:

Last Christmas by Juice Newton

Last Christmas, I tried on your shorts, 

But the very next day, I got anal warts.
This year, to save me from fear

I’ll insert a long pickle spear.

Last Christmas, I dated a tart 

The very next day, I could not fart. 

This year to keep up the cheer,

I’ll do it in your ear….

 Ringtone available soon....

Gastroenterologists at the Mayo Clinic have also found that the video below can cause digestive problems as you will probably upchuck your food from lunch. Watch at your own risk

The Mayo clinic, it’s not just a hospital for condiments….

Meredith Baxter - Top MILF is Gay???

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Oprah Asks Tiger For a Sit-Down...

You just can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp, now can you? Here's a "winning" interview if ever I saw one:  Oprah interviewing Tiger. Geez, I could just picture you - all of a sudden you stop watching American Idol repeats, put down your beer (pull up your pants), pick up the remote and click onto the interview.  I'm not sure what'll be more exciting, seeing Tiger going "uhmmm ...mmm...good question" or watching the endless stream of Toyota commercials.

First question Oprah will ask:
"Tiger, what happened, why did you do it?"

First question you wished she'd ask:
"So did you do anything kinky? Any edgeplay?  Was there any spanking involved?"

After (or perhaps during) the interview,  do you think Tiger will make a play for her? Would you?  I'm being serious...'cmon now if no one knew or found out wouldn't you?  

At any rate Oprah wants to interview Tiger sometime in the near future, and Tiger's looking to add to his scorecard. Wait, let me guess: Barbara Walters step in and supply the Vaseline, and Harvey Levin from TMZ will be watching from the side sipping that stupid soft drink through a straw..

It is reported that the two have plans go out afterwards and see the play "Phantom of the Oprah".  After the play, I bet Tiger will "drive her home".

Bernanke 'Slams' Financial Advisors

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke laced into so called 'Financial Advisors' yesterday. He was quoted as saying "Those guys are a bunch of commission monkey mutual funds salesmen!"
Bernanke explained that there is no logic whatsoever to the stock market, and it is based solely on public opinion.  "You can quote all the numbers you like, if the sheep buy a stock the price goes up" he explained.  Fearing for their jobs ( and affiliations with lawyers and politicians, financial advisors quickly silenced Bernanke and started to recite stories about Enron. Spokesman for the financial advisors, Ted Scammie said that Bernanke's remarks could shut down the entire financial world, and put thousands out of jobs.  Scammie also defamed the Reserve Chairman by explaining the following:
"When he was a child, he used to scribble on paper.  Folks called him Bernanke-Doodle".

In a parallel story, the Republicans are spearheading a new initiative to re-train financial advisors. Viable options ( by options I mean choices, not calls and puts) would be having them sell encyclopedias door to door, or having them join Amway.