Storm Approaches – Orthodontists Warn You Should Brace Yourself

20 – 30 Centimetres of the white stuff are expected to fall upon us tomorrow. That’s over six inches of snow (a real six inches not ‘your version’ of what six inches is). School closures and traffic havoc are inevitable. According to Springdale Elementary physical Education director Jim Nasium, the students will probably be asked to remain at home. The director of the Math Department, Matt Matticks explained “Students should stay home, and the remainder will carry over into the gym - we want to make sure they have axis to services”, statistically speaking of course. “It’s the principal of the situation“ said the...you know who said that... The geography teachers also want to forewarn students and parents not to lose their bearings, and state that it’s simply a matter of degree.


“We must get ready for a blizzard of events, and brace ourselves” said orthodontic spokesman Dr. I. Braceyou. Braceyou is arguably one of the most hated people in our community. His warped perception of the term ‘just a little while’ usually turns out to be about 6 years. Just ask any teen-ager who has had braces. As well, Braceyou’s definition of the sentence “try to reduce costs by putting them on early” has been translated to “let me put on just a few brace$ to see what happen$$”

New Chemical Draws Media Attention

A new sealant product hit the market this week, called Alex's Painter's Acrylic Latex Caulk.  Spokesperson for the company, Ron Jeremy was quoted as saying "I know good caulk when I see some".  He went further to explain "It feels like caulk and it even smells like caulk".  Jeremy, considered to be an expert in this domain has been around caulk most of his life.  

Phil Hardon, company chemist, explained that at first the compound comes out of the tube white and slimy, and then hardens to a rubbery texture.  "If it's not kept moist, it may crack after a few years" said Hardon.

Religious pundits are not in agreement as to how to properly open and use the product.  The Jews agree that a small amount should be cut off the tip to allow the caulk to be exposed.  Catholics on the other hand disagree claiming this mutilates the container.

The product is sold individually in a 12 inch tube with a lot of girth, or in a 12 pack know as "Case-'o-Caulk"

Carmaker Honda Motor Corporation Has Serious Problems

Bloomington Indiana mayor Ian Scammie explained that the Honda Motor Corporation is having Civic problems with his township. “This is a Prelude to further aggravation, unless an Accord is reached” said the mayor. Honda refused comment, and for reasons not known to mankind, a 15 year old rusted Honda still sells for about $17000 USD on the used car market.


Similarly, in Marblehead Massachusetts, Volkswagen launched its largest ever end-of-lease campaign. In collaboration with Star Wars, Volkswagen unveiled its “Return of the Jetta” promotion. Apparently when you return your car and re-lease the $35,000 vehicle (for only $199 a month*!), you get one of two things free

• a Lens Crafters Coupon which entitles you to $25 off any pair of glasses over $950 (before taxes)
                     OR
• a ‘free’ analysis of your portfolio by Charles Schwab Investment Services.

People are going wild about this promotion, and lining up for hours. "It's a bit like going to a Bar-Mitvah at a yacht club, except it's not a Bar-Mitvah, and we're not at a yacht club" said Eddie Horowitz, resident of Marblehead.

*Note: $199 month lease fee does not include transport, taxes, surcharges, insurance, donations to political parties, administration charges, and ‘charges of the week’. Network fee is not included in this monthly payment. Warning, may contain nuts. A simple blood test can determine if your liver can sue your own lawyer. Not valid in Alaska and Hawaii (we hate those states anyways).

Isn't it a BEAUTIFUL CAR? Don't you WANT ONE?

It's enough to shake the Fuego outta you. Yugo out and buy one today! Lada dee de da...

Medical Study at Mayo Clinic Determines Too Much George Michael Music Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

According to Dr. Phil N. Goode of the Mayo clinic, listening to too much George Michael music can be hazardous to your health. In specific, studies were done on the song “Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart”. Researchers have followed over 250 teen aged American mall employees over a four year period. They have determined that repeatedly listening to the song played over the mall’s P.A. system can cause the following:

• Apathy
• Dependence on a cell phone
• Addiction to Rock Band
• Obsession with Facebook
• Poor performance in School

When authorities tried to contact Michael, he was nowhere to be found. All they encountered was Paula Abdul going ballistic with a shovel yelling “go away, he’s not here”.

 In a tribute to this sad situation, mega-star “Juice Newton” has re-written the song. The chorus of her version is listed below. To get the full effect, you must ‘sing’ it in your head as you read it:

Last Christmas by Juice Newton

Last Christmas, I tried on your shorts, 

But the very next day, I got anal warts.
This year, to save me from fear

I’ll insert a long pickle spear.

Last Christmas, I dated a tart 

The very next day, I could not fart. 

This year to keep up the cheer,

I’ll do it in your ear….

 Ringtone available soon....

Gastroenterologists at the Mayo Clinic have also found that the video below can cause digestive problems as you will probably upchuck your food from lunch. Watch at your own risk

The Mayo clinic, it’s not just a hospital for condiments….

Meredith Baxter - Top MILF is Gay???

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Oprah Asks Tiger For a Sit-Down...

You just can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp, now can you? Here's a "winning" interview if ever I saw one:  Oprah interviewing Tiger. Geez, I could just picture you - all of a sudden you stop watching American Idol repeats, put down your beer (pull up your pants), pick up the remote and click onto the interview.  I'm not sure what'll be more exciting, seeing Tiger going "uhmmm ...mmm...good question" or watching the endless stream of Toyota commercials.

First question Oprah will ask:
"Tiger, what happened, why did you do it?"

First question you wished she'd ask:
"So did you do anything kinky? Any edgeplay?  Was there any spanking involved?"

After (or perhaps during) the interview,  do you think Tiger will make a play for her? Would you?  I'm being serious...'cmon now if no one knew or found out wouldn't you?  

At any rate Oprah wants to interview Tiger sometime in the near future, and Tiger's looking to add to his scorecard. Wait, let me guess: Barbara Walters step in and supply the Vaseline, and Harvey Levin from TMZ will be watching from the side sipping that stupid soft drink through a straw..

It is reported that the two have plans go out afterwards and see the play "Phantom of the Oprah".  After the play, I bet Tiger will "drive her home".

Bernanke 'Slams' Financial Advisors

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke laced into so called 'Financial Advisors' yesterday. He was quoted as saying "Those guys are a bunch of commission monkey mutual funds salesmen!"
Bernanke explained that there is no logic whatsoever to the stock market, and it is based solely on public opinion.  "You can quote all the numbers you like, if the sheep buy a stock the price goes up" he explained.  Fearing for their jobs ( and affiliations with lawyers and politicians, financial advisors quickly silenced Bernanke and started to recite stories about Enron. Spokesman for the financial advisors, Ted Scammie said that Bernanke's remarks could shut down the entire financial world, and put thousands out of jobs.  Scammie also defamed the Reserve Chairman by explaining the following:
"When he was a child, he used to scribble on paper.  Folks called him Bernanke-Doodle".

In a parallel story, the Republicans are spearheading a new initiative to re-train financial advisors. Viable options ( by options I mean choices, not calls and puts) would be having them sell encyclopedias door to door, or having them join Amway.