New Educational Reforms Across the United States

President Barack Obama has introduced the toughest new educational reforms in U.S. history.  Starting January 1, 2011 American schoolchildren will no longer be allowed to take recess breaks. "We want to prevent the children from reloading" said Obama.  As well, school cafeterias across the country will put a sales limit of six bullets per day per student. "No longer will students be able to go to the caf, buy 100 rounds and set them off in the schoolyard" said Obama.  In addition to all these measures, the president also has promised to upgrade metal detectors in high schools to state of the art technology.

Time For Some Caulk!

We all need, it, and we all think about it - some good caulk. Life would be simpler with good caulk. According to Alex Harding, creator of Alex's Caulk, his stuff is the best.  "You open it and it smells like caulk!", said Alex. He also went further to explain "It goes on sticky, and then after a while it gets hard.  After many years it cracks. It's real caulk" said Harding.  Women across the U.S. have taken an interested in this new product, many cougars in their forties have questioned if this product comes in black.

Magician is Full of Twit....

Yesterday, at Heathrow Airport, police spotted a Malaka Magician walking in circles talking to himself.  According to bystanders the character kept repeating the words “Trick Or Tweet” while typing something on his Blackberry.  Police said after he was done texting, he had to pull an immediate BBM – upon which he went to the bathroom and exploded.  After that, for absolutely unknown reasons, he went to a dental supply clinic and bought root canal equipment.

Malaka? Well, it's from the Greek word malakia - meaning two different things - 

1 - masturbation

2 - 'nonsense'. Perhaps this site should be called MalakiaMySite!

Satellite Radio - A Total Scam!!!!

According to the American Broadcast Society, satellite radio is a total scam. "It simply doesn't work" said CEO Freddie Orbiz.  "How are you supposed to hear the thing from way up there?? - They can't be Sirius!".

New School Offers Amazing Course!

Christian Academy in Marblehead Massachusetts is offering a course that teaches students how to quickly construct nativity scenes.   The school principal explained:

"We're offering a crèche course in woodworking.  Background music will be done by the "Crèche Test Dummies"

Vegetarian Cooks - Attacked!

Vegetarian cooks across the U.K. were attacked last week.  Apparently, they got the beets.  According to sources, the cooks were cornered near a bridge. They were frightened to cross that bridge when they came to it, but then, they just got over it.  "Lettuce Go! We Tolled You So!" yelled the rioters who were yielding to the cooks claiming the bridge crossing was not fare.

Everyone else just picked up some lunch consisting of Twinkies and Old Milwaukee and headed on home.

Summer Tires or Winter Tires?

The great debate goes on – can you use winter tires all year.  “Sure you can!” said Fred Pittway. “No the rubber is too malleable and you’ll have premature tread ware” said Fred Firestone.  Yes, No, Yes, No. In effect both sides are scamming you. One works for Donald Rumsfeld and the pharmaceutical industry, and the other guy just want to sell you “racks” for you “pinion” so that you don’t get “oil viscosity breakdown in five years”.  The reality is cars=couratha.  What’s couratha? Well, any car, any make, any price is effectively this from the very start.

Warning: the above is only an editorial and not based on fact.  Warning may contain nuts. Do not operate heavy machinery after reading it. A simple blood test can determine if an American lawyer can be sued by your own kidneys.  Those of you who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not read this as it may cause vertigo, and in some cases death.

I don't know about you, but I sure could use a rim job.....

New Marketing Idea for Cough Medication

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have considered issuing certificates to patients who have respiratory infections.  These patients can use them to buy drugs at a discounted rate. Doctors will be calling it the Croupon.  

Romaine Lettuce - DEADLY!!!!

Studies at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have concluded that romaine lettuce can be deadly. In a longitudinal study involving over 500 people, those who ate romaine lettuce died after an average of 80 years.  "That's because they didn't use our product" said CEO of "Wash-Away Lettuce Spray" Johnny Hamway.  "Our product washes away 90% of mites, whatever those are", said Hamway. Studies have also shown that lettuce that contains Omega-6.3 dehyrdoxide with a valence ion on its sp2 orbital is also much healthier.

 Because of the serious nature of this study, rock group Led Zeppelin has launched another tour to promote this information - "The Song Romaines The Same"

Sears Announces New High Tech Audio Division

Sears Canada has announced a new division that will carry hi-tech audio devices. In keeping up with technology, Sears plans to carry turntables and replacement stylus for phonographs.  As well, it is also rumored that Sears will be re-marketing its 8-track line to keep up with the changing pace of technology.

Ten Month Wait ....Appointment With Neurologist

Waiting times for medical services are terrible. In Chicago, the waiting time to see a specialist like a neurologist can exceed nine months.  Most professionals in the medical community agree that you have to have your head examined to wait that long.  Rheumatologists are completely disjointed about the issue. Doctor Phil N. Goode, director of Chicago General was found atop a mountain vacationing.  He was quoted as saying: "I came to this mountain to get away from my troubles so I climbed to the top. It all went downhill from there...."

Pillsbury Doughboy - Dead!!!

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from

repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out

to pay their respects, including Mrs.  Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins,

Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. 
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes

Trouble on America's Got Talent

AGT judges Piers Morgan and Howie Mandel came to blows yesterday over an unspecified incident in their dressing rooms.  According to witnesses, it had something to do with Howie’s constant wisecracking about Piers’ Organ.  Sharon was distraught over the incident and was seen in the parking lot walking in circles holding a shovel and repeating the phrases “Take it to a new level”, “Bring out your A-Game”,  and “Raise the Bar”.  Hasselhoff was unable to be reached for comment as the incident occurred during happy hour.

Scott Hartnell to Work at Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Money is tight, and for hockey players earning millions of dollars of year, things are rough. "It's hard to keep up a cocaine/hooker habit while on the road, and things get very expensive" said one player who wished to remain anonymous. In a more positive light, Philadelphia Flyers player Scott Hartnell has taken up a part time job at the "Wizarding World of Harry Potter". He works and earns extra money as the character "Hagrid".

 

Elton John Released New Song

British singing legend Elton John has released a new song, available in stores and on iTunes in early summer of 2010. The new hit song is about Elton's experiences with reading e-books during tornadoes. The song's title: Kindle In The Wind.

Americans Elect Noise as President

The Americans have done it yet again - they've elected "Barak Obama" as president.  Rumor has it that he's the second cousin of O-'Henry.   Oh Bama!...... Oh Bama!!!.... Where else but the U.S. would they elect a noise as their president?

Tiger Woods Followed By Sex Addiction Sponsor

Sources close to Tiger Woods confirmed Friday that, due to the large number of women expected to attend this year's Masters, the top-ranked golfer has requested that his Sex Addicts Anonymous sponsor, 42-year-old recovering sexaholic Dave Gilecki, be at his side at all times during the tournament.  "There are holes everywhere - and we know where that could lead" said Gilecki. Tiger Woods was reported to have been walking around the green saying "Bend over, I'll drive you home" repeatedly under his breath.

New Diet - To Lose Weight Fast!

The new “Stop the Damn Eating” diet seems to be waning in popularity this week. After years of longitudinal study and billions of dollars in research, the U.S. Government  has determined that the best way to lose weight is to stop the damn eating. Fatties across the U.S. remain puzzled, and really cannot grasp the concept. “You mean no more KFC?” replied Alice Lardo citizen of Kentucky.


In a similar story, the U.S. Treasury announced new economic strategies for Americans. It’s called the “Don’t Spend Money You Don’t Have” concept. It involves the idea of only buying things you can afford.  This means no credit or deferred payment plan.  Again, this approach as of yet, still proves to be far too complex for most citizens, as the economy continues to tank.

Matzoh Can Cause Severe Digestive Problems

Gastroenterologists across the country have determined that the festive food eaten by Jews at Passover can cause serious digestive problems. Matzo, or unleavened bread is known to be quite binding. Dr. A Fine, a gastroenterologist and Jew himself has confessed – “The food is quite binding, it won’t let my people go”.

Carpenters Using Sub-Standard Equipment

Carpenters across the United States are being blamed for using sub-standard power equipment. “We do our best, and buy from big name department stores” said one carpenter who wished to remain anonymous. Joey Crackhead, spokesman for Walmart said: “These workers purchase from us, they are getting off on cheap drills”.

Electricians – Burning Out

Electricians across the country are burning out. They’re getting so much resistance from government officials that it is shocking. “After a day’s work, we’re wired” explained one worker. “We try to go ohm to our families but can’t” explained another. It is a known fact that some have taken on a second job. For example one electrician is a comedian by night, a real live wire. “The situation was said to be amplified, but at the end of the day we all finally saw the light, it’s not so twisted after all” said Ed Lectric.

African Internet Crisis

The leader of a central African Republic, the “Grand Kenyan” has accused Cairo of internet fraud. “We tried to buy something online, and we got e-jipped” explained the leader. The Egyptian president, who just returned from the Caribbean was asked “So, Jamaica lot of money?”. He replied “Chad Up! I return, and all of a Sudan you do this?”. The U.S. President was in Houston at the time, making promises to lower Texas.

No Resolution at Kettlewood Ranch

A consensus among ranch animals at Kettlewood Ranch was not reached yesterday. According to local farmers the cows, pigs, and other cattle proposed a motion but it never passed because the horses kept voting neigh.

New Miracle Cure For The Common Cold

Doctors at the Mayo clinic have stopped working with condiments, and have discovered a cure for the common cold. It’s called “Echinchia”, not to be confused with Echinacea (another ‘miracle’ drug). Pfizer, along with Certs have begun mass producing this wonder drug. “You simply take it for 10 days, and your common cold goes away” explained a doctor who often does voices on the Simpsons. Echinchia sells for $29.95 for a three day dose, and ‘doctors’ (and the executives at Certs) recommend that you take the drug for a minimum of three weeks, even after your symptoms are gone, just to ensure the virus does not come back.

Bagless At The Grocery Store?

We’re all trying to be green, and Toyota is helping. Toyota is now sponsoring its monthly “Take your Toyota Sequoia to Walmart to purchase plastic grocery bags” event. “It’s so much easier to take my gas guzzling SUV and make a special trip to purchase the bags” said one Soccer Mom. Hemp-loving, unemployed, windshield washing, anti-establishment over-tattoo’ed vegetarians-for-spite-kids who live in the Plateau area were unavailable for comment.

Sealy Mattresses Sponsor Luge Event

Sealy Posturepedic is sponsoring the Luge event at the Vancouver Olympic Games. Luge athletes go through rigorous training. They run, jump, and lie down on a board. “It’s exhausting” said a 200 lb beer-‘n-chicken wing athlete. “I probably wouldn’t do it, if it weren’t for the gay uniforms they force us to wear”, said another. In contrast, the Luge athletes made fun of the gymnastics events. “Why train so hard that you stop menstruating?” said one luge athlete. “We just lie down and get billions of dollars in sponsorship” said another athlete rumored to be related to Tiger Woods.

Nestle Introduces New Drink For Ducks – "Nestle Quack"

Bill Pelican, chief executive officer for Nestle explained that his profits were going south this winter, and the company was in hot water. “Profits were ‘down’, and we cried ‘fowl’!” explained Bill. We introduced Nestle Quack, and it will hit store shelves soon.

Greek Doctor Cures Disease

A doctor in Greece has found a cure for a debilitating rheumatologic disease. “We’ve been working around the clock in this joint” said one nurse. “Finally people will feel better” said Greek Chief Surgeon R. Thritis.

Alcoa / Alcan - Asbestos We Can

Alcoa Aluminum and Alcan Aluminum are planning on an amalgamation of their companies. “We’re working asbestos we can” said CEO Jeff Bauxite. “We want people to mine their own business during this period” said another member of the executive who wished to remain anonymous.

Kotex or iPad?

 Technology giant Apple Inc is being sued by Kotex for infringement on the use of the word “iPad”. Apple named its new tablet the iPad, while Kotex claims its USB driven feminine hygiene products are also called iPads. We’ll see who wins, once all the lawyers are paid.

2012 Summer Olympics – Postponed?

The 2012 Summer Olympics scheduled to be held in London may be postponed. Athletes are facing many problems during swimming practice. “Divers are constantly going off the deep end” explained a coach who wished to remain anonymous. Some people see this as shallow, but hopefully the situation will not be a flop in 2012

Vince Offer - Regrouping His Life

Yes we already know, it’s ancient history - Vince Offer was arrested in March of last year. The world makes such a big deal about a little hooker smack-down incident. At any rate, our beloved Shamwow guy is re-grouping his life. He has now started a new line of meat products called “HamWow!”. Vince is reported to be changing his name to Vince Hogger, and he’s to also introduce another new product called the “Pork Chop” which grates meats. “Your life shouldn’t be BOAR-ing” said Offer. “I ham what I ham” was his closing statement. Reporters claim the situation will cure itself.

Cobra Starship - New Album

Mega Successful band Cobra Starship is to release new album called "Cobra Starship's Greatest Hit". After the smashing success of their hit song "Snakes on a Plane", the band is making yet another album, featuring, you guessed it, the same song. Band members are also having trouble paying their rent, and are applying at various fast food restaurants around the nation. It is also rumoured that the band will be starting a company that sells peanuts and chips on aircraft - "Snacks On A Plane".

Blu-Ray Upconverting Technology - Explained

With the advent of Blu-Ray technology, many enthusiasts are confused about the concept of an upconverting player. In short, the term upconverting means the following:

• It means there is no standardization whatsoever, and you might as well say 'y2k compatible', or 'internet ready' cpu
  
• It means you're supposed watch a fat sports guy stretched horizontally and pretend not to notice by saying things like 'look at those colors', or 'wow I wish I had one'
  
• It means buy now, so we can sell you something else next week
  
• It means the TV guys haven't gotten their turds together, so we're getting our mills in south east Asia to mass produce 'upconverting technology', whatever that means.
  
• It means it works if your dpi and your hdmi cable are hd dvd tv for your cd. Dee Dee Dee.

Balloon Boy's Dad Goes To Jail

Richard Heene, aka the Balloon Boy’s father, is going to jail. “He’s full of hot air” said Ian Redneck of the Countyville Sherriff’s Department. Heene wanted to keep his dreams afloat and drift through life, so he created this hoax, which grabbed world attention. The reality it’s been a really uplifting experience for him, somewhat of a gas. According to Al Franken, Heene stands to make millions of dollars writing upcoming books on sodomy, which he’ll experience in jail.

John Travolta Makes Hellenic Movie and Gets Hurt

John Travolta has once again teamed up with Olivia Newton John to make a new movie. The movie, titled “Greece” is about a group of delinquents from Park Extension who go around hitting people behind the head. Travolta has suffered multiple neck injuries as a result of being repeatedly slapped behind the head, in what the Greeks call “Zvergos”. Some Greeks claim that Travolta is a true Yiro.

New George Harrison Tune – Previously Unreleased

Managers for the late George Harrison have released a song the artist had recorded with Tammy Swynette shortly before he died. The tune is called “My Sweet Lard”. Tammy Swynette, known for her smash hit “Stand By Your Ham” said she’s proud of the work. Swynette’s boyfriend, Kevin Bacon was unavailable for comment.

Henry Winkler – Fraudulent Con Artist

Former Happy Days star Henry Winkler has become a financial advisor, and bilked his clients out of millions of dollars. “He used one client’s assets to secure loans for clients”, said deferred sales commission monkey, and former Encyclopedia Britannica salesman Chuckie Schwab. Winkler, in the financial world went under the name Arthur Ponzirelli.

Dick Clark Opens Chartered Accounting Company

Dick Clark just refuses to give up. His experience on New Year’s Eve countdowns and wonderful mathematical abilities has allowed him to open up a world-wide chain of accounting companies. “Dick has been counting for years” explained Dick Junior, his son. “So if your company makes 91 million dollars per year, Dick will report it to the IRS as 19 million” said Junior. “The IRS will certainly approve the statements, after all, it’s Dick Clark’s work”.


To see other examples of Dick Clark’s ‘fine’ work, click here:

United Auto Workers on Strike – AGAIN!

Once again, they’re at it! Mechanics are in shock as some workers were put on suspension. “No one works, they’re all on brake” said a striker who wished to remain anonymous. According to sources, employees in the muffler division are working overtime and are exhausted. “We must get our bearings straight” said Johnny B. Steering, director of the wheels division. “Many of us are tired, yet our desire to work fuels us”. In a parallel story, longshoremen in the Maritimes have walked off the docks. Rescue operations will begin shortly.