Kotex or iPad?

 Technology giant Apple Inc is being sued by Kotex for infringement on the use of the word “iPad”. Apple named its new tablet the iPad, while Kotex claims its USB driven feminine hygiene products are also called iPads. We’ll see who wins, once all the lawyers are paid.

2012 Summer Olympics – Postponed?

The 2012 Summer Olympics scheduled to be held in London may be postponed. Athletes are facing many problems during swimming practice. “Divers are constantly going off the deep end” explained a coach who wished to remain anonymous. Some people see this as shallow, but hopefully the situation will not be a flop in 2012

Vince Offer - Regrouping His Life

Yes we already know, it’s ancient history - Vince Offer was arrested in March of last year. The world makes such a big deal about a little hooker smack-down incident. At any rate, our beloved Shamwow guy is re-grouping his life. He has now started a new line of meat products called “HamWow!”. Vince is reported to be changing his name to Vince Hogger, and he’s to also introduce another new product called the “Pork Chop” which grates meats. “Your life shouldn’t be BOAR-ing” said Offer. “I ham what I ham” was his closing statement. Reporters claim the situation will cure itself.

Cobra Starship - New Album

Mega Successful band Cobra Starship is to release new album called "Cobra Starship's Greatest Hit". After the smashing success of their hit song "Snakes on a Plane", the band is making yet another album, featuring, you guessed it, the same song. Band members are also having trouble paying their rent, and are applying at various fast food restaurants around the nation. It is also rumoured that the band will be starting a company that sells peanuts and chips on aircraft - "Snacks On A Plane".

Blu-Ray Upconverting Technology - Explained

With the advent of Blu-Ray technology, many enthusiasts are confused about the concept of an upconverting player. In short, the term upconverting means the following:

• It means there is no standardization whatsoever, and you might as well say 'y2k compatible', or 'internet ready' cpu
  
• It means you're supposed watch a fat sports guy stretched horizontally and pretend not to notice by saying things like 'look at those colors', or 'wow I wish I had one'
  
• It means buy now, so we can sell you something else next week
  
• It means the TV guys haven't gotten their turds together, so we're getting our mills in south east Asia to mass produce 'upconverting technology', whatever that means.
  
• It means it works if your dpi and your hdmi cable are hd dvd tv for your cd. Dee Dee Dee.

Balloon Boy's Dad Goes To Jail

Richard Heene, aka the Balloon Boy’s father, is going to jail. “He’s full of hot air” said Ian Redneck of the Countyville Sherriff’s Department. Heene wanted to keep his dreams afloat and drift through life, so he created this hoax, which grabbed world attention. The reality it’s been a really uplifting experience for him, somewhat of a gas. According to Al Franken, Heene stands to make millions of dollars writing upcoming books on sodomy, which he’ll experience in jail.

John Travolta Makes Hellenic Movie and Gets Hurt

John Travolta has once again teamed up with Olivia Newton John to make a new movie. The movie, titled “Greece” is about a group of delinquents from Park Extension who go around hitting people behind the head. Travolta has suffered multiple neck injuries as a result of being repeatedly slapped behind the head, in what the Greeks call “Zvergos”. Some Greeks claim that Travolta is a true Yiro.

New George Harrison Tune – Previously Unreleased

Managers for the late George Harrison have released a song the artist had recorded with Tammy Swynette shortly before he died. The tune is called “My Sweet Lard”. Tammy Swynette, known for her smash hit “Stand By Your Ham” said she’s proud of the work. Swynette’s boyfriend, Kevin Bacon was unavailable for comment.

Henry Winkler – Fraudulent Con Artist

Former Happy Days star Henry Winkler has become a financial advisor, and bilked his clients out of millions of dollars. “He used one client’s assets to secure loans for clients”, said deferred sales commission monkey, and former Encyclopedia Britannica salesman Chuckie Schwab. Winkler, in the financial world went under the name Arthur Ponzirelli.

Dick Clark Opens Chartered Accounting Company

Dick Clark just refuses to give up. His experience on New Year’s Eve countdowns and wonderful mathematical abilities has allowed him to open up a world-wide chain of accounting companies. “Dick has been counting for years” explained Dick Junior, his son. “So if your company makes 91 million dollars per year, Dick will report it to the IRS as 19 million” said Junior. “The IRS will certainly approve the statements, after all, it’s Dick Clark’s work”.


To see other examples of Dick Clark’s ‘fine’ work, click here:

United Auto Workers on Strike – AGAIN!

Once again, they’re at it! Mechanics are in shock as some workers were put on suspension. “No one works, they’re all on brake” said a striker who wished to remain anonymous. According to sources, employees in the muffler division are working overtime and are exhausted. “We must get our bearings straight” said Johnny B. Steering, director of the wheels division. “Many of us are tired, yet our desire to work fuels us”. In a parallel story, longshoremen in the Maritimes have walked off the docks. Rescue operations will begin shortly.