Why Tiger Woods may not be Talking to Police - Kalika Moquin

Why you ask? Well, think for a bit, would you? I mean seriously, you hit balls into a hole (as do toddlers) and rake in millions upon millions per year. All of a sudden, you go on a bender for the weekend and smash up your fancy car. Congratulations, you've broken the 'machine'. You now have a team of lawyers, publicity people, and politicians all swooping down upon you figuring out how they can 'repair' the situation, and at the same time, score some serious coin for themselves. Perhaps they'll pass the "It's okay for Tiger to get Smashed" bill, or the "Nick Nolte Tiger Woods Bill".

This silence wait and see is basically the 'network' figuring out how to put a positive spin on this. For more about Tiger Woods, and his 'athletic abilities' click here

So what's really the deal? Well, playing pocket pool is expensive, and Tiger knows that.  Take for instance his third mistress: Kalika Moquin.  "Par" for the course I suppose.  The tough part is how is a guy supposed to have a discreet s&m relationship with a wild blond without anyone finding out? The answer simple, just do the following:

• Install Windows 7
• Buy a shamwow
• give a 'donation' to the Republicans (while renewing your permits)
• get the H1N1 vaccine (no Donald Rumsfeld does not own the drug company, well okay, some of it).
• Stop wearing high heel shoes
• prepare for killer bees

If you do all the above, things should go smoothly.

Tiger was also heard yelling out at a tournament, he shouted: "Bend over, I'll drive you home".  Reporters suggested that this was directed towards Kalika.

New Technology - All the Buzz

There is a massive amount of new technology out there. Firstly, as even children know, ADO objects replaced DAO objects in MS Visual Studio.  For farming projects, there is another technology used - the E-I-E-I-O technology.  To clean up your hard drives, we suggest asking JSon to use SOAP and AJAX.  Don't forget to upgrade your OS to Windows 7 or the fat PC guy will get ya.  Microsoft says we need yet another version of Microsoft Word.  There are actually statistical odds, and Vegas betting on where Microsoft will hide the 'portrait or landscape' do-hickey on the new version of "Microsoft Office - The Apocalypse". As far as hardware is concerned, the plumbers union (along with the Democrats) have agreed to no longer use the term "Pipeline Burst Technology" for obvious reasons.

In terms of Blu Ray - you need it. Why? Because you enjoy watching mis-configured wide screen televisions at bars. It makes you feel 'in-shape'.  Shhh... don't tell anyone that the pitcher is fat.... no one notices. Well, at least maybe not over half the employees at K-Mart.

Upconverting? Sure, you must. Why? To keep it internet ready, and Y2K compatible.  Blu Ray is still poorly marketed, overpriced, and mis-understood. So what do we do in the mean time? Upconvert. 

What size screen should you get? Well, this is often asked, and the answer is simple. If 'six-inches' is your reference point and you claim you know what 'six inches' is, then you'll need a mininum 93" wide screen Plasmatronic LCD screen.  And don't forget your HDMI cables to communicate with composite RCA.  I asked the guy at Future Shop about speakers, and the guy was quite busy - he Klipsch his own toenails.

Beta, it's not just a fish anymore.

Tiger Woods new Exercise Program

Tiger Woods has introduced the new 'golf-workout'.  This cardio workout helps 'athletes' who golf achieve their maximum level of fitness.  Exercises include:

• Knee Bends - Yelling ka-ching (about the money) while doing a knee bend and sinking a putt
• Breathing Exercises as you walk from one hole to another (and drive there when people aren't watching)
• Elbow Bends - teaches you proper techniques for counting money for effectively playing a game for toddlers that is well marketed.
• Facial Exercises - how to properly tense your muscles while Buick pays you tons of money to endorse the most ugly and useless car ever made
• Proper vomitting techniques as you down a pitcher of beer and a basket of wings when you're 'off-stage'
• Techniques on tensing your stomach as you explain to the public that golf is a 'sport'

It was also noted that the first time that Tiger entered a car dealer, he yelled out:
"Look at the size of that freakin' car!!! It's the size of.... a BUICK!"

Obama Administration Spearheads Educational Reforms

The Obama administration has begun the newest and most aggressive reform on education that our country has ever seen. Fed up with young Americans dropping out of school and smokin' the jibby-jab, Obama has signed a new bill granting 4.2 billion dollars to education. The first priority will be to upgrade the metal detectors that are now in 95% of American highschools as well, ash-trays will be installed all around campuses to avoid roach burns on tables. In addition, in all most states (except Alaska and Hawaii) teachers will be given new kevlar clothing.

Laundry Detergent Playoffs

The divisional playoffs between Laundry Detergent people and Fabric Softener People ended up Tide.

According to a spokesman for the team, the shamwow guy is going to show up and give everyone the wiping of a lifetime.

Blaming the Italians

You try, try, and try to be nice to those Italians, but you always get it in the end. You figure they're a clean and tidy people, but have you seen how they care for their own cities? Let's face it, the Italian community is very strong, and you wonder, how could they let things deteriorate to this state.  Take for example the city of Pompeii.  Have you seen the place lately? The Italians have left it in RUINS.

Educational Institution Found at Archaelogical Dig

An amazing discovery happened at the archaeological dig site in Bloomington Wisconsin.  A massive educational institution was found.  Archaeological  consultant and rapper Iced-T commented: "man, this is old school".

Burnt Out Bi-Polar Star Looking to Make a ComeBack

Little beknown to most people, Armenian all-star Krikor Ohanian suffered from mental illness during the height of his career in the seventies.  Running low on cash, he's decided to make a new series about a bi-polar detective who can't even get a job doing shamwow commercials. He's going to call it "Manics".

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