Vegetarian Cooks - Attacked!

Vegetarian cooks across the U.K. were attacked last week.  Apparently, they got the beets.  According to sources, the cooks were cornered near a bridge. They were frightened to cross that bridge when they came to it, but then, they just got over it.  "Lettuce Go! We Tolled You So!" yelled the rioters who were yielding to the cooks claiming the bridge crossing was not fare.

Everyone else just picked up some lunch consisting of Twinkies and Old Milwaukee and headed on home.

Summer Tires or Winter Tires?

The great debate goes on – can you use winter tires all year.  “Sure you can!” said Fred Pittway. “No the rubber is too malleable and you’ll have premature tread ware” said Fred Firestone.  Yes, No, Yes, No. In effect both sides are scamming you. One works for Donald Rumsfeld and the pharmaceutical industry, and the other guy just want to sell you “racks” for you “pinion” so that you don’t get “oil viscosity breakdown in five years”.  The reality is cars=couratha.  What’s couratha? Well, any car, any make, any price is effectively this from the very start.

Warning: the above is only an editorial and not based on fact.  Warning may contain nuts. Do not operate heavy machinery after reading it. A simple blood test can determine if an American lawyer can be sued by your own kidneys.  Those of you who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not read this as it may cause vertigo, and in some cases death.

I don't know about you, but I sure could use a rim job.....

New Marketing Idea for Cough Medication

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have considered issuing certificates to patients who have respiratory infections.  These patients can use them to buy drugs at a discounted rate. Doctors will be calling it the Croupon.  

Romaine Lettuce - DEADLY!!!!

Studies at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have concluded that romaine lettuce can be deadly. In a longitudinal study involving over 500 people, those who ate romaine lettuce died after an average of 80 years.  "That's because they didn't use our product" said CEO of "Wash-Away Lettuce Spray" Johnny Hamway.  "Our product washes away 90% of mites, whatever those are", said Hamway. Studies have also shown that lettuce that contains Omega-6.3 dehyrdoxide with a valence ion on its sp2 orbital is also much healthier.

 Because of the serious nature of this study, rock group Led Zeppelin has launched another tour to promote this information - "The Song Romaines The Same"

Sears Announces New High Tech Audio Division

Sears Canada has announced a new division that will carry hi-tech audio devices. In keeping up with technology, Sears plans to carry turntables and replacement stylus for phonographs.  As well, it is also rumored that Sears will be re-marketing its 8-track line to keep up with the changing pace of technology.

Ten Month Wait ....Appointment With Neurologist

Waiting times for medical services are terrible. In Chicago, the waiting time to see a specialist like a neurologist can exceed nine months.  Most professionals in the medical community agree that you have to have your head examined to wait that long.  Rheumatologists are completely disjointed about the issue. Doctor Phil N. Goode, director of Chicago General was found atop a mountain vacationing.  He was quoted as saying: "I came to this mountain to get away from my troubles so I climbed to the top. It all went downhill from there...."

Pillsbury Doughboy - Dead!!!

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from

repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out

to pay their respects, including Mrs.  Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins,

Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. 
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes