New Educational Reforms Across the United States

President Barack Obama has introduced the toughest new educational reforms in U.S. history.  Starting January 1, 2011 American schoolchildren will no longer be allowed to take recess breaks. "We want to prevent the children from reloading" said Obama.  As well, school cafeterias across the country will put a sales limit of six bullets per day per student. "No longer will students be able to go to the caf, buy 100 rounds and set them off in the schoolyard" said Obama.  In addition to all these measures, the president also has promised to upgrade metal detectors in high schools to state of the art technology.

Time For Some Caulk!

We all need, it, and we all think about it - some good caulk. Life would be simpler with good caulk. According to Alex Harding, creator of Alex's Caulk, his stuff is the best.  "You open it and it smells like caulk!", said Alex. He also went further to explain "It goes on sticky, and then after a while it gets hard.  After many years it cracks. It's real caulk" said Harding.  Women across the U.S. have taken an interested in this new product, many cougars in their forties have questioned if this product comes in black.

Magician is Full of Twit....

Yesterday, at Heathrow Airport, police spotted a Malaka Magician walking in circles talking to himself.  According to bystanders the character kept repeating the words “Trick Or Tweet” while typing something on his Blackberry.  Police said after he was done texting, he had to pull an immediate BBM – upon which he went to the bathroom and exploded.  After that, for absolutely unknown reasons, he went to a dental supply clinic and bought root canal equipment.

Malaka? Well, it's from the Greek word malakia - meaning two different things - 

1 - masturbation

2 - 'nonsense'. Perhaps this site should be called MalakiaMySite!

Satellite Radio - A Total Scam!!!!

According to the American Broadcast Society, satellite radio is a total scam. "It simply doesn't work" said CEO Freddie Orbiz.  "How are you supposed to hear the thing from way up there?? - They can't be Sirius!".

New School Offers Amazing Course!

Christian Academy in Marblehead Massachusetts is offering a course that teaches students how to quickly construct nativity scenes.   The school principal explained:

"We're offering a crèche course in woodworking.  Background music will be done by the "Crèche Test Dummies"

Vegetarian Cooks - Attacked!

Vegetarian cooks across the U.K. were attacked last week.  Apparently, they got the beets.  According to sources, the cooks were cornered near a bridge. They were frightened to cross that bridge when they came to it, but then, they just got over it.  "Lettuce Go! We Tolled You So!" yelled the rioters who were yielding to the cooks claiming the bridge crossing was not fare.

Everyone else just picked up some lunch consisting of Twinkies and Old Milwaukee and headed on home.

Summer Tires or Winter Tires?

The great debate goes on – can you use winter tires all year.  “Sure you can!” said Fred Pittway. “No the rubber is too malleable and you’ll have premature tread ware” said Fred Firestone.  Yes, No, Yes, No. In effect both sides are scamming you. One works for Donald Rumsfeld and the pharmaceutical industry, and the other guy just want to sell you “racks” for you “pinion” so that you don’t get “oil viscosity breakdown in five years”.  The reality is cars=couratha.  What’s couratha? Well, any car, any make, any price is effectively this from the very start.

Warning: the above is only an editorial and not based on fact.  Warning may contain nuts. Do not operate heavy machinery after reading it. A simple blood test can determine if an American lawyer can be sued by your own kidneys.  Those of you who are pregnant or may become pregnant should not read this as it may cause vertigo, and in some cases death.

I don't know about you, but I sure could use a rim job.....

New Marketing Idea for Cough Medication

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have considered issuing certificates to patients who have respiratory infections.  These patients can use them to buy drugs at a discounted rate. Doctors will be calling it the Croupon.