New Marketing Idea for Cough Medication

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have considered issuing certificates to patients who have respiratory infections.  These patients can use them to buy drugs at a discounted rate. Doctors will be calling it the Croupon.  

Romaine Lettuce - DEADLY!!!!

Studies at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have concluded that romaine lettuce can be deadly. In a longitudinal study involving over 500 people, those who ate romaine lettuce died after an average of 80 years.  "That's because they didn't use our product" said CEO of "Wash-Away Lettuce Spray" Johnny Hamway.  "Our product washes away 90% of mites, whatever those are", said Hamway. Studies have also shown that lettuce that contains Omega-6.3 dehyrdoxide with a valence ion on its sp2 orbital is also much healthier.

 Because of the serious nature of this study, rock group Led Zeppelin has launched another tour to promote this information - "The Song Romaines The Same"

Sears Announces New High Tech Audio Division

Sears Canada has announced a new division that will carry hi-tech audio devices. In keeping up with technology, Sears plans to carry turntables and replacement stylus for phonographs.  As well, it is also rumored that Sears will be re-marketing its 8-track line to keep up with the changing pace of technology.

Ten Month Wait ....Appointment With Neurologist

Waiting times for medical services are terrible. In Chicago, the waiting time to see a specialist like a neurologist can exceed nine months.  Most professionals in the medical community agree that you have to have your head examined to wait that long.  Rheumatologists are completely disjointed about the issue. Doctor Phil N. Goode, director of Chicago General was found atop a mountain vacationing.  He was quoted as saying: "I came to this mountain to get away from my troubles so I climbed to the top. It all went downhill from there...."

Pillsbury Doughboy - Dead!!!

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from

repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out

to pay their respects, including Mrs.  Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins,

Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.  He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. 
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.  He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes

Trouble on America's Got Talent

AGT judges Piers Morgan and Howie Mandel came to blows yesterday over an unspecified incident in their dressing rooms.  According to witnesses, it had something to do with Howie’s constant wisecracking about Piers’ Organ.  Sharon was distraught over the incident and was seen in the parking lot walking in circles holding a shovel and repeating the phrases “Take it to a new level”, “Bring out your A-Game”,  and “Raise the Bar”.  Hasselhoff was unable to be reached for comment as the incident occurred during happy hour.

Scott Hartnell to Work at Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Money is tight, and for hockey players earning millions of dollars of year, things are rough. "It's hard to keep up a cocaine/hooker habit while on the road, and things get very expensive" said one player who wished to remain anonymous. In a more positive light, Philadelphia Flyers player Scott Hartnell has taken up a part time job at the "Wizarding World of Harry Potter". He works and earns extra money as the character "Hagrid".