Accident Victim at 3M

A worker at the Paper Mate company was re-stocking the stationary cabinet at work, when an accident occurred.  According to sources, a product hit an employee causing great injury.  The employee was quoted as saying "A huge box of Liquid Paper fell on top of me. I was dazed, and couldn’t see anything, it was a complete white-out....."

 

Jim Messina - Blocked From Online Banking

Musical artist Jim Messina was blocked from online banking yesterday.  According to officials, he's been barred because of too many loggins..

Never Bet Against An Irishman!

Some friendly advice from the good folks at Whack My Site :
Never ever play poker with an Irishman. When it comes to betting, those guys keep Dublin....

Montreal International Festival

Jazz singers and porn actresses are gearing up for the annual "Montreal International Jizz Festival".  According to insider information, the 'emptying' of wind instruments must be done using rubber gloves.

Trumpet Deemed Easiest Instrument To Play

According to the International Standards on How Hard Musical Instruments Are to Play (ISHHMIAP) the trumpet is by far the easiest instrument to play, easier than the tambourine.  Get serious - how hard can it be - there are only three different pins on it. It looks a helluva lot easier to play than the piano.

New Medical Terms

Obama's Health Care Reform bill has recently published this new list of medical terms.

First Baseman Legend Shares News

Albert Pujols, first baseman for the Cardinals is an outstanding ball player.  Last week, he shared some news with us at Whack My Site, here's what he said:

"I was curious why the ball was thrown at me - it kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me"

Baby Care

Passports & Nexus Cards - No Longer Accepted

United States border authorities will no longer accept passports or Nexus cards as valid identification in order to enter the country.  According to new U.S. policy, valid forms of I.D. can be any (or all of the following)

• gun permit
• parole documents
• illegal immigration papers
• restraining orders
• I.O.U.s for drug money (signed with blood)
• contribution slips to a "U.S. political party"

This policy is the toughest new legislation, and will be followed.

New Fragrance from FCUK

World renowned FCUK - French Connection United Kingdom fashion is set to expand their horizons.  They're branching out into the fragrance market.  "Our goal is to sell fragrances along with stylish fashion" said CEO Bob Rownnose.  Their flagship perfume will be called SHTI.

New Higher Educational Institution

The U.S. government has launched the first ever university that will focus on witchcraft, and wizardry.

"Students can also study the occult"

Explained Louis Cyphre, self-appointed principal.  The name of the new institution will be "Damn-U"....

Neurologists Prefer Certain Patients

Neurologists who perform surgery at the Mayo Clinic (a hospital for condiments) have made their preferences known:  "We prefer patients who are open-minded" said one physician.  Apparently, hard-headed patients are tougher to work on.  Patients awaiting surgery have made their frustrations known - "We need this like a hole in the head" said one member of the group.
In a related story, a psychiatrist at the Mayo clinic met a strand of spaghetti that was overly anxious, phobic, and had mood swings.  "That's one complex carbohydrate" said the doctor.

Quebec Opens New Chicken Restaurant

While the Bastardaches settle who steals money from the Ministere des Parcometres, the Ministere des Restaurants du Quebec has opened a new chain of fast foods for French people who like to argue. It's called "Kentucky Fried Chicane".....

Nutrition to be Improved Among Executives

The U.S. Government, in an initiative to spearhead health and nutrition has introduced new legislature - to improve the foods eaten at corporate meetings, in specific when executives travel for business. Dr. P. Inhead was quoted as saying "We are going to improve on the quality of coffee and ice water served to our executives who travel to hotels and conventions".  Traveling corporate monkeys across the country cheered this news, and can now look forward to super cold water and Colombian blend coffee before being yelled at for slumping sales.