Sochi Not Allowed To Host Summer Games

Officials in Sochi have been told by the IOC that they're not allowed to host the summer games.  The reasoning behind is that they fear 'track and field' athletes would continue running beyond the finish line, and try to make it to the Russian border.  Representatives from Sochi were not available for comment, as a matter of fact, they were missing at the time of this report.

University Professor Caught Unloading Pallets

A university professor was caught on camera unloading wooden pallets from a shipping truck.  "I wanted to take control and remove them from the truck" said the unnamed professor.  Nearby students began yelling "Hey! Teacher! Leave those skids alone!"

Lionel Richie Launches Chain of Tea Houses

Lionel Richie, key member of the Commodores and father to Nicole Richie, has launched a new chain of Tea Houses across the country.  Fans of his are currently "dancing on the ceiling" as everyone seems to be drinking his tea.

Hair Thief Caught!

Police have apprehended a man in Syracuse who allegedly stole a hairpiece.  "They're freakin' expensive" claimed the man.  According to authorities, the man will have toupée.

Bridge Repair Work

Workers for the highway safety commission were on strike last week. A spokesman for the group claimed that bridge repair work is riveting. Lawyers liked the statement and attempted to STEEL it.  Their goal was a more concrete view on things and an unabridged viewpoint.

Gladys Knight to Rebuild her Band

Mega superstar Gladys Knight will be rebuilding her band.  According to sources, it will be based out of Los Angeles and called "Gladys Knight and the Crips"

Gotye Avoids Surgery

Doctors in Fresno California have concluded that multi-talented musician Gotye does not require surgery.  Lab tests came out negative, and apparently, his doctors "didn't have to cut him up"!!!!