Scott Hartnell to Work at Wizarding World of Harry Potter

Money is tight, and for hockey players earning millions of dollars of year, things are rough. "It's hard to keep up a cocaine/hooker habit while on the road, and things get very expensive" said one player who wished to remain anonymous. In a more positive light, Philadelphia Flyers player Scott Hartnell has taken up a part time job at the "Wizarding World of Harry Potter". He works and earns extra money as the character "Hagrid".

 

Elton John Released New Song

British singing legend Elton John has released a new song, available in stores and on iTunes in early summer of 2010. The new hit song is about Elton's experiences with reading e-books during tornadoes. The song's title: Kindle In The Wind.

Americans Elect Noise as President

The Americans have done it yet again - they've elected "Barak Obama" as president.  Rumor has it that he's the second cousin of O-'Henry.   Oh Bama!...... Oh Bama!!!.... Where else but the U.S. would they elect a noise as their president?

Tiger Woods Followed By Sex Addiction Sponsor

Sources close to Tiger Woods confirmed Friday that, due to the large number of women expected to attend this year's Masters, the top-ranked golfer has requested that his Sex Addicts Anonymous sponsor, 42-year-old recovering sexaholic Dave Gilecki, be at his side at all times during the tournament.  "There are holes everywhere - and we know where that could lead" said Gilecki. Tiger Woods was reported to have been walking around the green saying "Bend over, I'll drive you home" repeatedly under his breath.

New Diet - To Lose Weight Fast!

The new “Stop the Damn Eating” diet seems to be waning in popularity this week. After years of longitudinal study and billions of dollars in research, the U.S. Government  has determined that the best way to lose weight is to stop the damn eating. Fatties across the U.S. remain puzzled, and really cannot grasp the concept. “You mean no more KFC?” replied Alice Lardo citizen of Kentucky.


In a similar story, the U.S. Treasury announced new economic strategies for Americans. It’s called the “Don’t Spend Money You Don’t Have” concept. It involves the idea of only buying things you can afford.  This means no credit or deferred payment plan.  Again, this approach as of yet, still proves to be far too complex for most citizens, as the economy continues to tank.

Matzoh Can Cause Severe Digestive Problems

Gastroenterologists across the country have determined that the festive food eaten by Jews at Passover can cause serious digestive problems. Matzo, or unleavened bread is known to be quite binding. Dr. A Fine, a gastroenterologist and Jew himself has confessed – “The food is quite binding, it won’t let my people go”.

Carpenters Using Sub-Standard Equipment

Carpenters across the United States are being blamed for using sub-standard power equipment. “We do our best, and buy from big name department stores” said one carpenter who wished to remain anonymous. Joey Crackhead, spokesman for Walmart said: “These workers purchase from us, they are getting off on cheap drills”.