New Business Venture - Microsoft ZUNE

The enormously successful ZUNE by Microsoft is a testament to its name.  According to analysts, first quarter sales this year exceeded expectations.  First quarter sales were twenty five cents.

Brazilian Portuguese Just NOT interested in Soccer / Football

According to interim Soccer Federation President Jorge Garcia, they're thinking of folding the soccer federation. The current President was not available for comment as he was not feeling well and had a FIFA.

"The Portuguese in Brazil are just not taking football serious enough"

said the President.

 

Mexican Restaurants Offering Señor Discounts

Aged patrons of Mexican restaurants will now be entitled to a 15% señor discount.  According to chain owner Feliz Navidad (who owns half of Mexico) the discount will shake the beans outta business.

Top Catch Phrases from 1970 Still in Use Today

1. (at a car dealership) We don't make any money selling cars, we make it on servicing them
2. Ohhh....wait here....I have to ask my boss if I can give it to you at that price.....
3. We are doing market research and want to use YOUR home as a model home to show our work
4. We will give you a FREE ALARM SYSTEM, all you have to do is put this sign on your front lawn
5. Let me spray this tar on your driveway and it will 'prolong' the life of your driveway

How To Become A Hockey Announcer

Gary Bettman, commissioner for the NHL has created a course for young men and women who are aspiring to become hockey announcers. "It's a four step process" said Bettman

1. Shave off all your hair, and wear a very obvious toupée
2. Wear "coke-bottle" glasses that are at least +3.75 so everyone thinks you have nice 'big' eyes
3. Wear a headset - a big old one from the seventies at all times. No matter what.
4. Every third sentence, find a way to say "Hollywood Vs. Broadway" - and just keep repeating this.

Courses will begin this fall.

English Class Can't Follow Cirque Du Soleil

A college level English class from Harvard was not able to follow a simple story line.  Thirty three students from the college were taken to see a Cirque du Soleil performance - and none of them understood it!  "There was simply too much jumping around for us to follow it" explained one student.

Sochi Not Allowed To Host Summer Games

Officials in Sochi have been told by the IOC that they're not allowed to host the summer games.  The reasoning behind is that they fear 'track and field' athletes would continue running beyond the finish line, and try to make it to the Russian border.  Representatives from Sochi were not available for comment, as a matter of fact, they were missing at the time of this report.