New Diet - To Lose Weight Fast!

The new “Stop the Damn Eating” diet seems to be waning in popularity this week. After years of longitudinal study and billions of dollars in research, the U.S. Government  has determined that the best way to lose weight is to stop the damn eating. Fatties across the U.S. remain puzzled, and really cannot grasp the concept. “You mean no more KFC?” replied Alice Lardo citizen of Kentucky.


In a similar story, the U.S. Treasury announced new economic strategies for Americans. It’s called the “Don’t Spend Money You Don’t Have” concept. It involves the idea of only buying things you can afford.  This means no credit or deferred payment plan.  Again, this approach as of yet, still proves to be far too complex for most citizens, as the economy continues to tank.

Matzoh Can Cause Severe Digestive Problems

Gastroenterologists across the country have determined that the festive food eaten by Jews at Passover can cause serious digestive problems. Matzo, or unleavened bread is known to be quite binding. Dr. A Fine, a gastroenterologist and Jew himself has confessed – “The food is quite binding, it won’t let my people go”.

Carpenters Using Sub-Standard Equipment

Carpenters across the United States are being blamed for using sub-standard power equipment. “We do our best, and buy from big name department stores” said one carpenter who wished to remain anonymous. Joey Crackhead, spokesman for Walmart said: “These workers purchase from us, they are getting off on cheap drills”.

Electricians – Burning Out

Electricians across the country are burning out. They’re getting so much resistance from government officials that it is shocking. “After a day’s work, we’re wired” explained one worker. “We try to go ohm to our families but can’t” explained another. It is a known fact that some have taken on a second job. For example one electrician is a comedian by night, a real live wire. “The situation was said to be amplified, but at the end of the day we all finally saw the light, it’s not so twisted after all” said Ed Lectric.

African Internet Crisis

The leader of a central African Republic, the “Grand Kenyan” has accused Cairo of internet fraud. “We tried to buy something online, and we got e-jipped” explained the leader. The Egyptian president, who just returned from the Caribbean was asked “So, Jamaica lot of money?”. He replied “Chad Up! I return, and all of a Sudan you do this?”. The U.S. President was in Houston at the time, making promises to lower Texas.

No Resolution at Kettlewood Ranch

A consensus among ranch animals at Kettlewood Ranch was not reached yesterday. According to local farmers the cows, pigs, and other cattle proposed a motion but it never passed because the horses kept voting neigh.

New Miracle Cure For The Common Cold

Doctors at the Mayo clinic have stopped working with condiments, and have discovered a cure for the common cold. It’s called “Echinchia”, not to be confused with Echinacea (another ‘miracle’ drug). Pfizer, along with Certs have begun mass producing this wonder drug. “You simply take it for 10 days, and your common cold goes away” explained a doctor who often does voices on the Simpsons. Echinchia sells for $29.95 for a three day dose, and ‘doctors’ (and the executives at Certs) recommend that you take the drug for a minimum of three weeks, even after your symptoms are gone, just to ensure the virus does not come back.