US Lawyers getting paid differently

Lawyers across the U.S. will be going through hard times in the upcoming months -  $400, $500, even $600 per hour is just not quite enough.  According to supreme justices, poorer people can now pay lawyers with a bag of seafood for what is known as squid-pro-quo

New Business Venture - Microsoft ZUNE

The enormously successful ZUNE by Microsoft is a testament to its name.  According to analysts, first quarter sales this year exceeded expectations.  First quarter sales were twenty five cents.

Brazilian Portuguese Just NOT interested in Soccer / Football

According to interim Soccer Federation President Jorge Garcia, they're thinking of folding the soccer federation. The current President was not available for comment as he was not feeling well and had a FIFA.

"The Portuguese in Brazil are just not taking football serious enough"

said the President.

 

Mexican Restaurants Offering Señor Discounts

Aged patrons of Mexican restaurants will now be entitled to a 15% señor discount.  According to chain owner Feliz Navidad (who owns half of Mexico) the discount will shake the beans outta business.

Top Catch Phrases from 1970 Still in Use Today

1. (at a car dealership) We don't make any money selling cars, we make it on servicing them
2. Ohhh....wait here....I have to ask my boss if I can give it to you at that price.....
3. We are doing market research and want to use YOUR home as a model home to show our work
4. We will give you a FREE ALARM SYSTEM, all you have to do is put this sign on your front lawn
5. Let me spray this tar on your driveway and it will 'prolong' the life of your driveway

How To Become A Hockey Announcer

Gary Bettman, commissioner for the NHL has created a course for young men and women who are aspiring to become hockey announcers. "It's a four step process" said Bettman

1. Shave off all your hair, and wear a very obvious toupée
2. Wear "coke-bottle" glasses that are at least +3.75 so everyone thinks you have nice 'big' eyes
3. Wear a headset - a big old one from the seventies at all times. No matter what.
4. Every third sentence, find a way to say "Hollywood Vs. Broadway" - and just keep repeating this.

Courses will begin this fall.

English Class Can't Follow Cirque Du Soleil

A college level English class from Harvard was not able to follow a simple story line.  Thirty three students from the college were taken to see a Cirque du Soleil performance - and none of them understood it!  "There was simply too much jumping around for us to follow it" explained one student.

Sochi Not Allowed To Host Summer Games

Officials in Sochi have been told by the IOC that they're not allowed to host the summer games.  The reasoning behind is that they fear 'track and field' athletes would continue running beyond the finish line, and try to make it to the Russian border.  Representatives from Sochi were not available for comment, as a matter of fact, they were missing at the time of this report.

University Professor Caught Unloading Pallets

A university professor was caught on camera unloading wooden pallets from a shipping truck.  "I wanted to take control and remove them from the truck" said the unnamed professor.  Nearby students began yelling "Hey! Teacher! Leave those skids alone!"

Lionel Richie Launches Chain of Tea Houses

Lionel Richie, key member of the Commodores and father to Nicole Richie, has launched a new chain of Tea Houses across the country.  Fans of his are currently "dancing on the ceiling" as everyone seems to be drinking his tea.

Hair Thief Caught!

Police have apprehended a man in Syracuse who allegedly stole a hairpiece.  "They're freakin' expensive" claimed the man.  According to authorities, the man will have toupée.

Bridge Repair Work

Workers for the highway safety commission were on strike last week. A spokesman for the group claimed that bridge repair work is riveting. Lawyers liked the statement and attempted to STEEL it.  Their goal was a more concrete view on things and an unabridged viewpoint.

Gladys Knight to Rebuild her Band

Mega superstar Gladys Knight will be rebuilding her band.  According to sources, it will be based out of Los Angeles and called "Gladys Knight and the Crips"

Gotye Avoids Surgery

Doctors in Fresno California have concluded that multi-talented musician Gotye does not require surgery.  Lab tests came out negative, and apparently, his doctors "didn't have to cut him up"!!!!

Origami - it can be DANGEROUS

Origami, the traditional Japanese art of folding paper can be dangerous.  Just yesterday I allowed a couple of Japanese guys to practice the art on my kitchen table. Now my problems are two-fold.

Richie Sambora - Booted Out!!!

Bon Jovi lead guitarist was booted out of the band last week.  According to reports, this has nothing to do with boozing, hookers or drugs.  Apparently Richie was kicked out because was sniffing the glue he uses to fasten his wig-mop to the top of his head.  Richie's cat could not be reached for comment.

Seamstresses and Tailors Forbidden From On-line Banking

Seamstress and Tailors across the country were forbidden from conducting on-line banking transactions.  "There are many reasons for this" quoted S. Kamyou  a door to door encyclopaedia salesman turned  heat-pump salesman turned 'financial advisor' turned mutual funds salesman (just the natural evolution of the job).  "These people keep losing their PIN !Sew what should I do about this? " said S.Kamyou.

Chemistry People - Always trouble.....

People employed in the chemical industry are always looking for new solutions.  Periodically, these people reach their titration points.  According to sources, we should all keep an ion them....

Microwaves are NOT waterproof

To the surprise of thousands, the founder of "LetsImportItFromChinaAsCheapAsPossible" has openly stated that his microwaves are NOT waterproof.  Many people were shocked.....

Carpenters Leave Union!!!

Carpenters across America have left the National Woodworkers Union in order to form their own splinter group.  "Knot a good move" said union president Freddie Mahogany.  "You wood do better to stay in and pine for a new contract" quoted the president.