Bagless At The Grocery Store?

We’re all trying to be green, and Toyota is helping. Toyota is now sponsoring its monthly “Take your Toyota Sequoia to Walmart to purchase plastic grocery bags” event. “It’s so much easier to take my gas guzzling SUV and make a special trip to purchase the bags” said one Soccer Mom. Hemp-loving, unemployed, windshield washing, anti-establishment over-tattoo’ed vegetarians-for-spite-kids who live in the Plateau area were unavailable for comment.

Sealy Mattresses Sponsor Luge Event

Sealy Posturepedic is sponsoring the Luge event at the Vancouver Olympic Games. Luge athletes go through rigorous training. They run, jump, and lie down on a board. “It’s exhausting” said a 200 lb beer-‘n-chicken wing athlete. “I probably wouldn’t do it, if it weren’t for the gay uniforms they force us to wear”, said another. In contrast, the Luge athletes made fun of the gymnastics events. “Why train so hard that you stop menstruating?” said one luge athlete. “We just lie down and get billions of dollars in sponsorship” said another athlete rumored to be related to Tiger Woods.

Nestle Introduces New Drink For Ducks – "Nestle Quack"

Bill Pelican, chief executive officer for Nestle explained that his profits were going south this winter, and the company was in hot water. “Profits were ‘down’, and we cried ‘fowl’!” explained Bill. We introduced Nestle Quack, and it will hit store shelves soon.

Greek Doctor Cures Disease

A doctor in Greece has found a cure for a debilitating rheumatologic disease. “We’ve been working around the clock in this joint” said one nurse. “Finally people will feel better” said Greek Chief Surgeon R. Thritis.

Alcoa / Alcan - Asbestos We Can

Alcoa Aluminum and Alcan Aluminum are planning on an amalgamation of their companies. “We’re working asbestos we can” said CEO Jeff Bauxite. “We want people to mine their own business during this period” said another member of the executive who wished to remain anonymous.